A Relationship Yet to Bloom

The communication process is somewhat different for every relationship that we share. I will be discussing a friend’s and my relationship, a dyadic relationship, starting off with our processal relational culture. We must not forget that men and women operate differently and, “To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense” (Stewart 363). In romantic relationships we must always be reasonable and consider our gender differences. This relationship is like a flower that has yet to bloom. We are still learning about each other and about the needs and goals in our lives. I have been friends with Jeremy for approximately three years. We met through a friend that was mutual. I saw Jeremy at a very good friend’s almost every time her and I spent time together. Jeremy was her neighbor, and they were really good friends. He had a girlfriend during this time, so the relationship was strictly platonic. All along I thought that Jeremy deserved someone that would treat him like he treats others. Let’s just get into that, Jeremy treats a woman like I had always imagined that I wanted to be treated by a future husband, like a queen. He does things like opening the car door for me, always walks me to the door, and genuinely cares for me and my specific needs. These are just a few of the things that he does to make a woman feel special. I am very particular about the type of guy that I will date, but I had noticed that he was a true gentleman. It is hard to find men with values, morals, and these gentleman qualities these days.
According to Wood:
Relational culture is processes, structures, and practices that create, express, and
sustain personal relationships and the identities of partners. The processes,
structures, and practices organize interaction and coordinate meanings for
individuals’ identities, the relationship, the individual and joint interactions with
external systems. All of these are realized in communication, which is the
genesis of relational culture (Wood, 77)
Notice the use of individual frequently in this quote. Relational Culture is always different for different individuals. It is even different for various people we have relationships with. So, one’s relational culture is even different between a child and their father and between the child and their mother. Jeremy and I illustrate this with our uniqueness that we have created.
Well, ever since Allison (his ex) and Jeremy have been broken up we have been extremely good friends. I have only had one serious boyfriend in my lifetime, and he broke my heart the same way Allison did. She cheated on Jeremy, and my ex-boyfriend did a very similar thing at the end of our relationship. So, I could really relate to everything that he was going through. When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend I went through a stage that I did not even want to think about men. Then I went through a stage at which I only wanted to be single. I wanted to be able to date but not be tied down to someone. This seemed to last the longest for me. It was probably around two years until I finally was able to be friends with my ex-boyfriend and decided that I would be able to love again. This was around the time Jeremy broke up with his girlfriend. So, I was ready to start over in my love life, but he was just beginning this hurt, pain, anger, and the struggle to love again. So, Jeremy and I were friends for a short time, but then we kissed. This was about six months after his break-up. This changed things. I looked at him completely different and in a way that I had never really felt before. I knew that he was actually someone that I could see myself with for the rest of life. However, there is one huge problem for us: I live in Greensboro, NC, and he lives in Clayton, NC. We are about two hours from one another. I see him about every other weekend. This has delayed a lot of our typical relationship markers.
When we meet new people for the first time they can be very judgmental. This is the only impression they have of you, so we often only discuss our life and ourselves on a surface level. We want to undercover some information but not too much. Usually, we leave a mass amount of uncertainty. According to Galvin and Cooper, “The uncertainty reduction theory takes a narrow but common, experience in relational life—uncertainty—and attempts to clearly and completely explain how communication is used to manage it” (Galvin & Cooper 25). The uncertainty reduction theory illustrates this and is simply how people deal with the uncertainty of one other, initially. Since, Jeremy and I met through a friend, and he had a girlfriend there was not a whole lot of tension there. He knew I was a student, worked, and loved special needs children. I knew that he was in the construction business and had not been to college. We never experienced initial anxiety when we first met because of the circumstances. To be honest, I thought he was really nice but the knowledge of his dating status leads me to not care about getting to know him too deeply. It simply just happened. Also, prior to our initial interaction I felt like I knew him because my friend had told me so much about him. However, now I feel I am still learning about him and therefore reducing uncertainty, so our uncertainty is decreasing slowly but surely.
So, since our relationship is yet to bloom completely I find that we are still learning from one another and about one another, so we are still working through the a theory known as the social penetration theory. I guess people never completely get through this because people are always changing, meeting new people and families, for example, are ever-changing. What keeps the relationship going is whether both individuals are willing to change together. We are very open and honest with each other, but there are plenty of things that we have yet to discuss. We are somewhere along the continuum at the between the intensification level and the intimate level. Although, we are not all the way there yet, we have discussed some very serious things. Religion is a big part of my life, and it is in his life, as well. We have also discussed what marriage means to each other. This was fairly recent, a couple months ago. I just stated that people seem to be getting married for the wrong reasons, and he said that when he gets married that is it. He also, stated that is why he is 29 and not married yet. Overall, I feel the penetration in this relationship is slow, and I love that. We are not rushing into anything, yet he is still my best friend. I think he also values this, completely. I think it is best to be good friends before you become exclusive with each other to learn the positive and negative qualities, and then we can decide whether we want to live with those qualities. I think it is sad that so many people rush into a relationship without even truly knowing each other. However, all people are different, and it may work in their relationships, but in my relationships I have learned it is often better to get to know future boyfriends/girlfriends.
According to Cameron, “Long distance relationships are becoming increasingly common” (Cameron, 581). It is even more common for college students to be involved in long distance, approximately one out of three (Cameron, 581). However, it can be challenging at times for us. Distance is like a barrier for us. Some people can have these relationships more easily than Jeremy and I. The social penetration theory might have been different if we lived five minutes away. We have said it would be so much more convenient. We live so far and are so preoccupied with our own lives that we find it hard to see each other. So, the telephone is crucial to our relationship. Jeremy is not really a phone person, but he makes an exception for me. This is a cost and reward for Jeremy, and a cost and a reward for me. I feel this way because we are both getting rewarded because we are speaking to one another, but I feel it is also a cost because of the time and effort it requires of the both of us. It might be more of a cost for him than for me because I love the phone. I do not have a problem speaking for hours on the phone, but for him it is harder to sit on the phone for hours. According to Galvin and Cooper, “Staying in touch implies efforts to maintain important relational ties, often across significant distances” (Galvin & Cooper 157). It takes effort on both ends, and he was not willing to come to see me, or call me then it would be one-sided, and Jeremy would definitely have the power if I decided to continue the relationship. Also, in today’s society it is very hard to drive two hours even every other weekend because of gas prices (almost $4.00 a gallon), so this would definitely be considered a cost. However, the reward is the time that we spend together. These examples are just a few of the examples of the costs and rewards, therefore illustrating the social exchange theory.
Sometimes it can be crucial to relay a message in the right way and clarify all necessary information. When communicating we can lose important information. I think we have similar ideas on language and we are clear with one another. For example, Jeremy asked me if I would like to go out to eat with his family for his birthday. He told me who was going to be there, where we were going, and the proper attire for the occasion. So, I knew what to expect upon going to eat with all his family, and since we were going to eat at an upscale restaurant he was clear on the fact that I might feel out of place if I wore jeans, like usual. Now, it could have been a disaster if he had not clarified the fact that we were going to eat at a place where people dressed up. Jeremy is usually very clear with his verbal messages, and I feel I am as well because we are completely honest and open with one another. Now, non-verbal messages are somewhat trickier. Jeremy does not always show me enough eye contact, sometimes. I need an endorsement confirming message when speaking, meaning, “This is an agreement message and is the strongest type of confirming message. Often we don’t agree with everything the person said, but we can usually find something in the message that we can endorse” (Galvin & Cooper 202-03).
I know I will not always receive this type of confirmation, but at least recognize what I have said by giving me eye contact. I will be talking to him, and he does not seem like he is truly listening. This usually occurs when he is watching television or doing something other than listening to me. Sometimes, I feel I need more confirmation that he is paying attention to what I am saying, other than just being able to repeat what I said. This only shows me that he is hearing me, not listening. He is simply recognizing what I have said. I would like him to acknowledge or even endorse that I have said, by finding something he agrees with and confirming. Jeremy does this sometimes, but it is definitely something I wish he did more often than not. Most of the Jeremy is reassuring and supporting, but I wish that he could paraphrase and understand more frequently. My relationship with Jeremy is affected through listening and verbal and non-verbal communication.
When we meet people we all go through this initiating stage upon gaining knowledge of this particular individual. This can be illustrated through the uncertainty reduction theory. After this stage we go through an experimenting stage. This is deeper than the initiating stage because one is still learning about that person and still has a vast amount of uncertainty and is still gaining more knowledge about this person and trying to find commonalities with the individual. If we like how everything is going we go through an intensification stage. I think this is where Jeremy and I are stuck. We are trying to get to know each other better daily, but we very rarely see each other. “As the relationship intensifies, each person is unfolding his or her uniqueness while simultaneously blending his or her personality with others” (Galvin & Cooper 137). This is so hard for me, but I know school must be number one in my life right now instead of him. There will be plenty of time for that when I graduate. I think it would be very different if I lived close to him. We just get along so well, and I truly love spending time with him.
Although I enjoy spending time with him and do get along really well we seem to have this decision making problem. I am extremely indecisive and so is he. So, basically we are both on the extreme indecisive side of the spectrum. Most “people will be frustrated with this style of communication if they rarely hear the provisional person say something definite or unqualified” (Knapp & Vangelisti 393). We do not become frustrated with each other, and I am trying to learn to be more confident in my decisions and therefore become more decisive. However it takes us forever to decide where we are going to eat, what we are going to do, and little stuff like that. Sometimes it is funny, but sometimes I wish he would say we are going to go here. We would both be considered provisional individuals, the polar opposite of certain people. I find myself making a lot more decisions than I am used to making in previous relationships. Jeremy, jokes with my dad about how funny it is that women cannot make up their minds. My mom is the same way, so my daddy agrees completely, unfortunately. I think the reason Jeremy is like this is because he wants to please me, but what I have tried to explain to him is that it would be so much more pleasing if he could simply make a decision, occasionally. I would consider this a major issue, but I feel like it could evolve into a problem the deeper our relationship goes because the more decisions we will face together. I think I will definitely be able to step up to the plate and take charge though if it comes to that.
All communicators have power including Jeremy and me. Since we are having little face to face contact, “Relational uncertainty is negatively related to feelings of trust” (Sahlstein 163). Sometimes, we can both become jealous of whom each other is spending time with because we are unable to be there. Power is correlated with jealousy, and I think we both have different types of power in our relationship, but overall I feel it is distributed fairly even. I think we both have expert power over different areas. Jeremy has expert power in fishing. We both love to go fishing, but he knows much more about the subject than I do. I, on the other hand, have power with topics such as speech, language, and special needs children. My major is speech pathology, and I love children with all my heart, so if Jeremy has a question about how to deal with a specific disorder, especially a language disorder, such as autism, I have the power. Power can be used in good and bad ways. I have little speaking power most of the time depending on the topic, but I am very hesitant about speaking up unless I am somewhat of an expert on the topic. I think Jeremy has little listening power, sometimes, because he does not always give me eye contact, the confirmation I need. Jeremy and I also are somewhat jealous of one another, occasionally. Living far apart we do not always know what the other one is doing. I trust him completely, but I cannot say that I would be jealous if he was hanging with a girl that was his friend. I know he feels the same way. He does not like it when I hang out with my guy friends, but I told him at the very beginning that there are certain guys that I always want to be friends with because we have been friends since elementary school. Most of the time, he claims he is fine as long as the guy is someone he knows. He does not like it when I am in Greensboro with a new guy friend. What I wish he would understand is that I am not looking for another boyfriend, just friends. I have always had more guy friends than girlfriends, and Jeremy is becoming better with this jealousy issue. I am too! Though, I am glad that Jeremy is a laid back gentleman though, and usually, “Masculine socialization is more likely to encourage aggressive responses to conflict” (Galvin 212). He is the polar opposite of this, and I am glad because I was raised with very little aggressiveness.
In this point in my life I do not care to have a title on my relationship with Jeremy, but if I had to explain the love in our relationship presently I would say that we are companions for one another. If I have an awful day, I can call Jeremy and he makes me feel better. He makes me laugh and makes any problem seem to be small. He is my best friend. I feel our communication is strong because we usually express whatever is on are minds. Jeremy encourages me to do this. He is always telling me to tell him what I am thinking, and this is extremely important in communication. “It is the compassion talk, the sacrifice talk, the commitment talk that though too seldom heard, remains the singularly most valuable stuff of which loving relationships are made” (Buscaglia 54). Jeremy and I have some of this, but the commitment talk me both seem to avoid. We are both, in a sense, scared of the word. We let things flow naturally, and we feel it is what it is. I think we are very compassionate towards one another though. He is always there for me when I am down, and I am for him, as well. Our love is companionate love, a love that is based on each other’s hearts and not about anything physical. In companionate love this is not always the case, but in our case it is not as much physical as it is emotional. I think the love could evolve into something different, but we will always be able to love each other for who each other is on the inside. I feel too many partners lust after one another, but we want to love each other so much before we were ever to take it to that level. I want to know that I love him for who he is, not because I like sleeping with him, he is more than a lover.
I feel Jeremy’s and my relationship is blooming, and we still have a lot to learn about one another. We never know what the future will bring. I believe what is meant to be will be. I think we will always have a relationship, whether it is romantically or platonically, and I will always want to know how he is doing. I have learned that we need to work on some jealousy issues, and we also need to work on decision-making skills. Overall, I feel we have a very healthy relationship, and value each other’s love and affection. I look forward to the blooming of our relationship.

The educated vs. the non-educated PART ONE

The experience of College is one of great importance. It teaches individuals to continue educating themselves throughout life. Sometimes when people do not get this experience of going to college, they look back and say I could never go back school. Whereas, for the most part, an alumi from a university continues pursuing some kind of education. It may be through reading, researching, or simply watching the discovery channel. Let me first clarify that not all people who do not go to college do not stop this process of the wanting to absorb as much information as possible. I think, however this would hold true for the most part.
A educated person is passionate about the learning and the newness of information and experience. In my experience some of the uneducated are unwilling to appreciate the differences in everyday dialogue. Education teaches one to be aware of diversity and the beauty of it. Within a day most people have some form of disagreement whether it is trevial or not. These disagreements can be beneficial with an understanding of the experiences that the other person has undergo to come to the views they have formed. Does education educate one to become more comfortable with these differences. What field one has been educated in could affect one in another light.